Not Unalaska

Nowhere near the Unalaska police blotter but you may find some amusing. From the local rag.

EDITOR'S NOTE: The following is a summary of crime reports taken from the Greeley Police Department's daily logs. Only a few of the hundreds of reports will be used in this weekly column because of space limitations.

July 15

» 8:15 p.m.: Greeley police responded to the 5900 block of 23rd Street for a report of cows mooing excessively.

There ought to be a law against this!

» 10:30 p.m.: Police responded to 8th Avenue and 13th Street for a report of a man in the middle of the road trying to steal the pylons.

No NO, picking the State Flower.

July 16

» 7:15 a.m.: Police responded to the picnic area of Ramseier Farm for a report of a man screaming at passersby while defecating in the park.

Can’t a man have a little privacy, perverts!

» 4 p.m.: Police responded to the 2000 block of 1st Avenue to talk to a man who thought a neighbor was harassing him by subscribing him to Stroke Smart, National Wild Turkey Federation, and Adam & Eve magazines.

Preemptive strike before his wife sees the mail.

July 17

» 4 a.m.: Police responded to the 2300 block of 21st Avenue for a report of a man trying to steal a golf cart from the caller's backyard.

Well, the owner wasn’t using it.

» 6:30 a.m.: Police responded to the 2800 block of 15th Avenue Court for a report of a domesticated pheasant on the porch that was uninjured, but possibly a little hungry.

Call PETA!!!

July 18

8:45 p.m.: Police responded to Bittersweet Park for a report of an aggressive guinea pig on the loose.

Keep that vicious beast on a leash, for Pete’s sake.

8 a.m.: Police responded to the 2500 block of 16th Street for a report of an intoxicated woman hiding behind parked cars and trees, and having difficulty walking straight.

Just trying to have a discrete pee.

» 5:45 p.m.: Police responded to the 500 block of 11th Avenue for a report of a man staring off into space.

Wouldn’t share what he was seeing.

» 9:15 p.m.: Police responded to the 1600 block of 9th Avenue for a report of blue and red lights streaking across the sky. The caller wanted to know if the police sent the lights out "to monitor all of the cars" or "to have the sky watched?"

Drat, another undercover operation blown.

July 19

» 1 a.m.: Police responded to the 1600 block of 16th Street for a report of a male and a female duck walking behind some bushes carrying a trash bag.

Easier to police trash on the ground without excessive bending. What is your problem?

» 3:45 p.m.: Police responded to the 800 block of 31st Avenue for a report of a kitten covered in poop.

Call animal control.

» 4 p.m.: A resident in the 2200 block of Ash Avenue called Weld County Dispatch to complain about one of his neighbor's parking his car in front of the caller's house. The caller was advised that parking on the street is not illegal.

Round one.

» 4 p.m.: A child called 911 to report to dispatchers, "There is sand in my butt and it is super glued. Can you get it out?" The child was grounded by her parents for crank calling the police.

Parents with common sense?