Thursday, June 23, 2011

Man Rules - Shameless Plagiarism

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (First & foremost rule)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

Received this in an email. Deleted all leads to the guilty. Apologies to the original author.

Duct Tape Needed - Exploding Head

Ah, the City and County of Denver, inspired by Looney Tunes.

8:15 am meeting at Denver District Court. Found a parking meter just two blocks away. Pleased to see the parking meter accepted credit cards. Except, credit card didn’t work. OK, feed quarters. Rejected. WTF? Oh well, a parking ticket is $20 and my meeting is worth much more. The private lots are unattended, and $9.

Leaving City Hall, I see a Parking Enforcement worker writing a ticket for some poor soul who parked in a construction zone. When he was finished, asked him about the meter.

He asked where I parked. He then explained parking is free at night but the meters won’t accept money until 8 a.m. The good news he shared was my parking spot was on his route but he had yet to cover that block - no ticket.

Most Court functions require you check in by 8:15. Can’t pay for public parking until 8 a.m. Still trying to bend my mind around the “thinking” that created this system.

For inquiring minds, the Court matter was of a civil nature.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Cowboy Humor

My great uncle Len was negligent in maintaining his vehicles. He had a 1958 Plymouth with the biggest engine available and the push button transmission. The performance had suffered to the point he would floorboard the gas then hit drive. My father was the opposite. Appearance didn’t matter to him. I don’t remember him ever washing any vehicle. Under the hood a NASCAR team would have a hard time improving the performance.

One day Uncle Len left the Plymouth in our yard while one of his nephews took him on a three day trip. My father, who couldn’t resist a strange vehicle, drove it to town. Appalled by the car’s condition, he stopped at the auto parts store for new points, plugs, plug wires, oil and filters, etc. After a long afternoon, the Plymouth was freshly tuned and serviced. By good fortune he left it parked facing out our lane.

The lane was a straight half mile of a narrow two rut gravel road. It crossed a railroad track, an irrigation ditch, and a large canal before joining the paved state highway.

Uncle Len returned to pick up his car. After starting it, he floored it and punched drive. We watched as he fishtailed up the lane, sawing the steering wheel back and forth, until he got it slowed down. Pulling onto the paved highway he spun the tires and got the Plymouth sideways.

About two hours later he returned. My father was trying hard to keep a straight face. Finally Uncle Len said, “Damn it Bob, when you shoe a man’s horse, you might at least warn him.”

My father was a great horse farrier. That picture is circa 1956. Not me holding the horse; I never had that nice a hat.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Youngest son is home from Afghanistan. I am a happy camper. Please note the individual in formation wearing denim pants and a T shirt. Once everyone was in formation, this soldiers name was announced and we were told he was rejoining his unit. Very slowly, flanked by two other soldiers, he shuffled his way the length of the auditorium to his reserved place in formation. Not many a dry eye in that building.

Not a long function. Troops marched in. Soldier took his place in formation. National Anthem. Short welcome home speech. Short recap of the mission. Presentation of unit colors with campaign streamers. Army song. Another short speech. Then, "ATTENTION". "Dismissed". Then the families rushed them. Glad I attended.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Post #250


Bill the Intimidator, chewing on his ever present cigar (never lights them), looking across the desk at my little sister, “Yeah, I know they cause cancer. When I can no longer put one in my mouth, I’ll shove it up my ass”.

Replied Battalion strength little sister, “Bill, that one looks like it has already been there.”

And big brother just sat there, silent.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Homeward Bound

Wednesday should be the day the Medic will be home from Afghanistan, Army officials have informed FDIL (favorite daughter in law), when she called to invite me to the Welcome Home ceremony.

It is my deepest desire every person with a loved one in harms way will be able to feel what I am feeling. Thank you everyone for your prayers for his well being.

The future? At the current level of commitment, he will go back in a little over a year. Right now, we will enjoy having him home.

Won’t go weasely and say words can’t………..Etc. I AM PROUD OF HIM.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

They See What They Want to See

Guffaw in AZ write some interesting security posts.

This got me to thinking about two things, my buddy, Dirty Al, and the not so subtle art of looking for repossession vehicles.

People see what they want to see, and they don’t want to see what makes them uncomfortable. Given some plausible reason, they don’t want to become involved.

In recent years, Al has worked as a security guard. His office, and home, for a few years was a ¾ ton, extra cab Ford pickup, with a large self contained camper. Somewhere along the line he acquired large magnetic signs for the doors reading "SECURITY". In practice, the guarding and security was provided by “Princess”, a wonderful Golden Cocker Spaniel. She would alert Al to situations requiring him to get off his ass and actually do something. Al got tired of paying to park in campgrounds. He found putting his SECURITY signs on the doors allowed him to park nearly anywhere without being bothered. Being his nature, he pushed it to the point he was parking in police department lots.

Doing repossession work requires walking around areas “looking”. Many areas are leery of, or hostile to, strangers. My “uniform” is a hard hat, safety vest, a laminated ID Card with my picture on a neck chain, a plastic clipboard that holds papers and drafting tools, several official looking computer printouts and a camera. The ID identifies me as an insurance investigator. Rarely am I asked what I’m doing and only once have I been turned away. Since I’ve done insurance reports it isn’t too difficult to be convincing.

Posts by others over the years have pointed out how easy it can be for criminals and terrorists to survey an area without interference. I don’t see that changing.

No computer for a few days; another road trip.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Political Payback???

John Edward’s prosecution is puzzling. Many of the “experts” think the government’s case is weak and may even be tossed by a judge. Whatever the outcome, he is feeling some pain. One wonders if this isn’t some payback from the Obama camp for being a candidate or other political transgressions? Could it be a warning to others considering opposing Obama? Could cause some to rethink their plans.

I was an early Edwards supporter. Part was the “lesser of several evils” position. More likely, a personal interest in an ardent Edwards supporter. This was when I was active in the Democratic Party - pre Obama.

Another line of thought. What would be the outcome if the MSM looked at Obama with the same intensity of the check stand tabloids? Think that will ever happen?

I still admire anyone who has the guts to run for public office, knowing they will face a shitload of aggravation, as part of the process.

An addition from a recent email. Stark reminder of the kind of person that is our president.