Laugh, Smile?

 

Low Humor

Heartland mixed marriages. Bride comes from a farm family that runs John Deere. The Groom comes from a farm family that runs Case-New Holland. Later their daughter marries into a farm family running Massey Ferguson.

Meanwhile, in Yellowstone.

And Cheyenne Frontier Days.

(I’ll go to my room now)

Ringling Bros Barnum and Bailey Circus Train

Last run ever, 2017, headed to Denver. The locomotive is UP 3985 “Challenger” 4-6-6-4 on the last run it made. After that, the UP used a 4-8-4 “Northern” #844 until bringing back the Big Boy, currently on tour in the eastern states. The #844 is still operational though seldom used. It was the very last steam engine delivered to the Union Pacific and never retired.

Yes, I have a minor interest in steam engines.

Car Insurance

Colorado consistently has high car insurance rates (5^th highest in the country). The cost means more uninsured motorists (many are undocumented immigrants), perhaps a third on the roads daily, and the associated cost of accidents they are involved in. The following article is long and technical. My superficial take? The current system provides a lot of opportunities for attorneys, government functionaries and asset recovery companies (repo men). YMMV

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How Blue States Work

Nothing to see here folks, move on! 

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For perspective, the adult population of Colorado is approximately 4.7 million. Assuming all are taxpayers, this one nonprofit received approximately $1.40 from each taxpayer.

 From Google AI.

An estimated 2,111 nonprofits in Colorado receive federal, state, or local government grants. This figure is based on IRS Form 990 filings that track government grant funding. Overall, approximately 34,251 registered nonprofits operate in Colorado, meaning about 77.4% of the organizations that file detailed tax returns report receiving some form of taxpayer-funded government grants.

Immigrants

Legal immigrants historically were screened for health problems. The Biden mobs were not. 

The consequences are part of this article.

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Tuberculosis was a scourge in the 19th and early 20^th Century. Many came west hoping the clean air and dry climate would help. Notable examples include Ed Johnson who represented Colorado in the US Senate and as Governor.  Eventually, TB became a rare disease in the USA. Not the rest of the world as this article highlights.

 The facility in question is a Federal operated property. Just what power Colorado law has is a question for lawyers? What is apparent to this former Adams County resident is the deep blue functionaries aren’t going to pass up a chance to “fight ICE”.

Side note. 7/16 employees were trying to enter the facility to work. Protestors were blocking them. A protestor was shot and an employee was arrested. FAFO

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Car Story

This is from the way back machine.

“Sorry officer, you didn’t see the boot on your undercover car as you tore off in ‘hot pursuit’?”

Days after graduating from high school in 1961, I did what hundreds of rural young people did; I moved to Denver for opportunities. I wanted more than cutting brush in the summer for the Forest Service and plowing snow in the winter for the County. I arrived in time to witness the Denver Police Department scandal.

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This was just part of the corruption; perhaps a minor part. The Sheriff’s Department was involved at some level.

I came to know Deputy C----, who drove around in a station wagon immobilizing cars of drivers with unpaid tickets. To my knowledge, he never arrested anyone nor let himself become involved in any other police work. Execute the President in front of him? Shrug, but he would boot an ambulance parked in a red zone.

His second activity was dealing marijuana out of his official car. That was an open secret other cops must have known.

Back to the top. The undercover officers would use impounded cars.

Deputy C--- spotted a car on his list, booted the car, and drove off. When the officer came back to the car and attempted to drive off, hilarity ensued.

Later I learned in Paris they called the immobilizer, “the Denver Boot”.

For clarity, I never used nor was involved with drugs. They were around me but I stayed at arm’s length.

I worked a lot of different jobs, sometimes as many as three at a time. One was working security at professional wrestling shows, Denver Bears (AAA baseball) and Denver Bronco games for a Denver policeman’s side business. While he personally wasn’t corrupt, he knew what was going on and helped us steer clear of entanglements.

For a time I worked nights part time running a parking lot across from a hotel with a nightclub in the basement. Several hookers worked out of the hotel.  He strongly urged me to drop the job. Nothing dramatic to report but who knows what a dumb country boy might have been sucked into keeping that particular job.

The Denver Police Department was corrupt from day one, 1859. Does the Department still have an element of corruption? Does a bear………

As always, YMMV

Did You Escape California?

 Swiped off Facebook. Just a little humor today.

Too Serious

 Sometimes I need to back off all the turmoil in the world and see what is in front of my nose. Making the bed has obstacles. After a few stern words.

"But the sun feels so good!"

WSF, Song Writer

Back a few years, one of my sons challenged me to write a “blues” song. Recently, cleaning out stuff on the computer, I came across it.

Soldier Blue

Woke up this morning

   my bunk out in the sleet.

Snored so loud last night

   no one could get to sleep.

Went to the barracks door

   and no one would let me in.

Cold and wet and shaking

   that’s how my day began.

Yeah I got them soldier blues,

   I was drafted off the street.

From beer and women and cars

   to wearing out my feet.

Someday I’ll lose the blues

   when I get home for good.

I’ll whip ol’ Jody’s ass

   And start living like I should.

Yes, I know – don’t quit my day job.

My music ability is nill and I learned that at an early age. Christmas pageant, 2^nd grade in the choir, I was singing my little heart out. Suddenly, I was a Sheppard.

Thunderstorms

Also fireworks. Makes it a bit of a challenge to work.

Evidently, Not A Joke (Craigslist)

We are looking to re-home our 2 1/2 year old yellow lab. He is neutered and current on all vaccinations. He is house and kennel trained, good with other dogs, kids, and some cats. He is very eager to please and would probably benefit from some obedience classes. He would do well in a home where he can be with his human a lot. We are re-homing him because we got him to be a hunting dog and sadly, he will not hunt. 

$30 rehoming fee just to be sure the person adopting him is doing so for the right reasons. 

You Know Who You Are

Some readers of this blog actually own GM products. Not to be judgemental, but why? In any case, here is something swiped off Facebook just for you.

And another for a former Master Plumber and strong salesman. Also, welcome to the new followers. If my computer skills were better, I could identify you, but, as they say down South, 'preciate you!

For Dog Owners

Shamelessly taken off Facebook. Believe it is attributed to PetlandOhio.

Cinco de Mayo

Another Cinco de Mayo, and a fond, if not bittersweet memory.

My middle son is so not into cars. All he cares is to turn the key and go. When anything goes wrong, he calls me.  His life revolves around music; performing, jamming, listening, etc. You can find one of his many blog/zines on my sidebar. Warning! If you don’t like extreme black death metal, don’t go there.

In Denver on Cinco de Mayo, Federal Boulevard is blocked off for miles as the cars parade. Somehow, he managed to turn onto Federal one May 5th, and couldn’t get off. It was his normal route home from one of his hangouts (gigs, girlfriend, jam?). So, after five miles of stop and go, his clutch was fried in his Honda Civic.

He told me he tried several times to get off Federal, and the Denver Police wouldn’t let him. I can just visualize the scene. A 6’2”, bearded long hair, whiter than white berzerker,  wearing an inflammatory black T-shirt, in a dirty beat up Honda, in the middle of a Mexican parade! Glad he, and the parade participants,  escaped with just a bad clutch. Could have been a riot.

Welcome, Spring

 Shamelessly lifted from a received email.

Copy Cat

Inspired by Old NFO and Coffeypot.

----- 

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.  I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

–––

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

–––

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

–––

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

–––

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..."

------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

–––

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

–––

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

–––

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

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My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

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I've heard that Apple has scrapped its plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

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A new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I was thrown out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

–––

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute toward the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.

Big, Ugly Thingy

Todays load. Don't know what it is, or for. "Big, ugly thingy", was my answer when asked while fueling.

Mine not to reason why, etc.

Pro Choice

From a slightly twisted friend.

Western Wisdom

• 

Compassion

Old NFO is telling it like it is with “Breaking News” at

http://oldnfo.blogspot.com/2012/08/breaking-news_18.html

PawPaw offered these words of wisdom:

It's like I tell folks. "I get paid to solve problems. You got a problem? Solve it. It ain't my problem”.

http://www.blogger.com/profile/14959820068377494313

Reminds me of a former boss who was well known for, “That is NOT my monkey, and you are not giving it to me”.

It is your pity party, but I don't need to participate.

A Poem for Gunnies

Collector's Item
by Hal Swift

Jim Landis and me were takin' a ride
in his just-bought pickup truck.
"I bought an antique rifle, too." he says.
"I can hardly believe my luck.

"It's an eighteen-sixty-six Winchester model,
the one with engraving," he said.
"That must've cost you a dollar or two,"
I says, as I shake my head.

"Well," he says, "It cost more'n this pickup,
but it's worth ever' doggone cent.
I borrowed on the truck to pay for the rifle,
so my bank account ain't that bent.

"The rifle," he says, "has never been fired,
which is why it's such a great buy.
It's just like the day it came outta the factory.
That's why its value's so high.

"You bought you a rifle, and won't ever shoot it?"
I says, as my voice nearly fails.
"If I shot it," says Jim, "I might as well use it
as a hammer for poundin' in nails."

"If I were you," I said, "I'd make sure that rifle
gets only the greatest of care."
"It's on the wall," Jim says, "above the fireplace.
Nobody will  bother it there."

At Jim's ranch, we go inside through the kitchen
where Cookie is busy cookin'.
We go into the parlor, and Jim stands there,
just scratchin' his head and lookin'.

There's a look of puzzlement on his face
as he stares at the fireplace wall.
The Winchester's gone, and there ain't nothin'
over the fireplace at all.

"If that rifle is stolen," Jim declares,
"I'll see that the thief gets caught!"
Then he hollers out loud, "Has anyone seen
the rifle that I just bought?"

Cookie comes in and says, "Yeah, I seen 'er,
but she shot to the left a bit.
So I cleaned 'er up, and zeroed 'er in,
an' what y'aim at now, you hit!"

--0--


From my friend 
http://www.cowboypoetry.com/halswift.htm

Old Cowboys

Something different from the usual political rants. A part of the small Western town way of life that is still present in small pockets.

Old cowboy, living out his years, was a resident of our town. Lived in a room at a railroad hotel, conveniently located above a bar,  and across the street from an inexpensive restaurant. Most bowlegged man I ever saw. Nice man, always friendly, with Old West manners.

Railroad hotels were cheap places to sleep. Small room, single bed, wash basin in the room, and a shared bath down the hall. Nearly every town had one even if they didn’t have a railroad.

Our town had an annual Stockman’s Ball, better known as the Stockman’s Brawl, and the old cowboy was always  present. For all his bowlegs, he could really dance. He was always “scrubbed up” and well dressed by cowboy standards. Very few ladies, of any age or marital status, declined his request to dance.

As usual, towards the end of the evening, a brawl broke out in the middle of the dance floor. Maybe a dozen or so combatants. He was in the middle of it. He was trying to crawl away but every time he got to the edge, someone would grab him and toss him back into the brawl.  My mother, who had a hold of the back of my belt, told me to go pull him out. I succeeded, but then had to defend myself until the deputies broke up the uproar.

Later, the old cowboy thanked me. Of course, my mother raised holy hell with me. Just a routine occurrence at that time and place.

Going out tonight with my sister and her man to watch the professional bull riders. Her S.O. rode bulls well into his fifties and has the beat up body to prove it. Hope there is a fight. Can’t have a good rodeo without a fight. It won’t be me; too damn old and slow healing for that.

New Iditarod Entry

h/t to Way Up North for the idea and Hal Swift for the poetry
http://www.mooseintheyard.com/2012/03/quandary.html

Huskies Like These?
by Hal Swift

Things here in Reno was quiet last winter
and there weren't that much we could do.
Till one snowy mornin' we hear dogs barkin',
and makin' a hullabaloo.

My boys and me looked out the north barn door,
and there in the cold mornin' fogs,
was a big old boy on a big old sled,
bein' pulled by ten big dogs.

It just so happened the boss's sister,
Matilda, come walkin' up then.
She's a gal that none of us likes a whole lot,
cause she always picks at us men.

"What's the matter?" she says, with a haughty air.
"Never seen dogs pullin' a sled?
The handsome young musher who's drivin' the thing
is a boyfriend of mine, named Ted."

She says, "It'd take a dozen of you,
to be as smart as one of his fingers."
But none of us says anything, you know?
'Cause we ain't too good with the zingers.

The dogs stop runnin', and start restin' up,
and Ted comes walkin' inside.
Matilda says, "Oh, come on, Honeybun!
You promised your snookums a ride."

I sees a frown on young Ted's face,
and I figger he ain't too happy.
But Matilda's smilin' an' giving 'im a look
that's best described as sappy.

Ted looks at us, then he looks at her,
and I can see the boy's plumb wore out.
"Oh come on, Sweetie!" Matilda begs,
and puckers her lips in a pout.

Ted wraps Matilda in a bearskin rug,
then ties her onto the sled.
He climbs on the back, and Matilda winks.
"Let's make this a long ride," she said.

Ted blushes and "mushes," and the dogs take off,
then Ted seems to trip and to fall.
But he lands on 'is feet, and it soon turns out
the boy wasn't injured at all.

Some of us boys see the look on 'is face
as he watches Matilda depart.
From the way he's grinnin', we can tell at a glance,
it ain't really breakin' his heart.

We crowd all around him and somebody says,
"It's all right, we know how ya feel.
That gal could cause a true saint to go bad,
her leavin's a heckuva deal."

Ted says, "I thank you, I just got fed up
with the way that she always is pickin'.
When she said I had to come out to the ranch,
I'd sooner have taken a lickin'."

"How far will them dogs of yours run," I asked,
"before they come bringin' her home?"
Ted sighs and grins, "With Huskies like these?
They'll run till they get t'Nome."

From my pal, Hal Swift, Nevada Poet
http://www.cowboypoetry.com/halswift.htm

Cowboy Poetry

Jimmy's Valentine Poem
by Hal Swift

Jimmy, a friend, of mine tells this story
of a poem that he once wrote.
It's for a girl he seen in a local parade,
ridin' the Kiwanis' float.

He says she looks like an angel come down
to bless ever'body on earth.
And he decides he'll tell 'er first hand,
just what her visit is worth.

He figures that writin' a Valentines poem
is maybe the best way to go.
So that's what he does, he takes pencil in hand,
and the words just literally flow.

"You are," he writes, "more beautiful than
a baby pig is to 'er mother.
Your face is sweeter than a fresh green onion,
when compared to any other.

"Your smile lights up the morning sky,
like a fire at brandin' time.
Your voice is softer than the belly of a calf,
whose parents have been judged prime.

"I gotta say, you're the purtiest gal
this cowpoke ever did see.
And, if you ever wanta go out on the town,
just put in a call to me."

Well, Jimmy, he sends his poem to the girl,
and waits by 'is phone for her call.
He just sets there, in front of 'er photo
that he's hung on the bunkhouse wall.

A week goes by, before the telephone rings,
but it's the beauty queen's mean ol' dad.
He says t'Jimmy, "Stay away from my daughter!
If ya don't I'm gonna hurt you bad!"

Well, Jimmy is no small amount dismayed,
by this unseen turn of events.
And it hurts 'im deep--so deep in fact,
he ain't wrote another poem since.

And I've heard tell, that this beauty queen
has taken a serious vow, boys.
That whatever happens the rest of 'er life,
she ain't never datin' no cowboys.

Courtesy of my friend, Hal Swift Nevada Poet

Ladies, watch out for cowboys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BeiT-JrcFGk

Kiss My Keys II

AmiMental.blogspot.com left a comment on the previous post about what a pain in the ass keys locked in a car can be. Reminded me of a keys locked in my car incident from the past.

1972 saw us on a combination business and vacation trip to Southern California. The business part was delivering a snowmobile to a high performance engine builder in Pasadena. While giving the snowmobile a wash down in a coin operated car wash, two older ladies, wearing tennis shoes, stopped by. “Is that a snowmobile?” one asked. When I gave an affirmative answer, she added, “I thought so, I saw one given away on the Price is Right.”

Our next stop was Long Beach to tour the Queen Mary. At the time it was a new attraction. My wife wanted to see it because her late father, a Norwegian immigrant, had crossed the Atlantic on her. We had a great time and our then only child was enjoying himself. Finally, his little legs tuckered out and we returned to our car, a Ford LTD four door hardtop, were I discovered my keys in the ignition and the doors locked.

The parking lot was new and the trees planted for landscaping were about six feet high and braced with three wires. I broke off a section of wire and used that to hook a lock button and get the car open. This took a few minutes.

While doing this, a policeman drove by the end of the parking lane. We made eye contact. What he saw was a large, red faced man with a piece of wire breaking into a car, a very unhappy brunette woman glowering at the man, and a squalling child (who only wanted a diaper change, a bottle, and a nap) on the car trunk. His head snapped forward and he accelerated out of my sight. Coward!

Must confess that isn’t the only time I’ve locked my keys in my car, or my house, or my office. And AmiMental is right, it is a pain in the ass.