Low Humor Cause I Got Nothing

Shamelessly taken from emails from friends. Some old, some new. No, not the friends, the jokes.
 Lexophile is not a disease.

 "Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an  undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and  nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen  a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a  three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left  side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never  developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

   And the cream of the wretched  crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN. IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

4. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.