Low Humor Cause I Got Nothing

Shamelessly taken from emails from friends. Some old, some new. No, not the friends, the jokes.
 Lexophile is not a disease.

 "Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an  undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and  nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen  a mall.

.. Police were called to a day care Center where a  three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left  side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never  developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

   And the cream of the wretched  crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN. IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity -Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

4. Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result -When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces -The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking-A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Shamless Plagiarism

A collection, from blogs, Facebook, and emails of things that made me snort, or shake my head. Some of you may recognize this as your material. My apologizes if I don't credit you. Only one of these is my creation. Hope you all enjoy!


Think I'd better go do some cleaning. Just saw a segment on the Today program about a person who hadn't cleaned their house for some 17 years. Guess, I'm not so bad even if Good Housekeeping will only let me have their magazine in my home without the cover.

Big Steve has all the personality (and personal aroma) of curdled milk, and the welcoming mien of a semi-rabid stoat with inflamed hemorrhoids.

And here is the weather forecast. Tomorrow will be muggy. Followed by Toogy, Weggy, Thurgy and Frigy.” - Unknown


Sipsey Street joins White House in objecting to Mark Halperin's characterization of Obama as "a dick."
Nothing could be further from the truth. He is, in fact, dickless.

I think the plan worked. The extra guns, Mexicans shoot each other and less illegals crossing the border.

I don't hate obama because of his race. There are too many other good reasons to hate him .

Based on Weis' vast amount of experience as a law enforcement officer... He will be able to add nothing to this group.

You might think good transportation is the key to prosperity, but Colorado doesn't work that way.

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States ...”

It’s pretty difficult to preach against sin without offending the offenders.

the advice retired Detroit Police Department cop Evan Marshal once gave: “Continue shooting until your sight picture is degraded by a lack of target.”


, 'sweetheart, the world is large and you're insignificant so do whatever the hell ya want because no one will give two hootin' shits about it tomorrow!'


Don’t be in a place where you will have to defend yourself.
If trouble comes your way, run.
If you can’t run, grab the closest thing you can and use it as a weapon.

She and reality pass each other in the hall twice a day.

Of all the things I have to deal with at work, I NEVER imagined projectile vomiting would be one of them. That all changed today. Nasty
Well that's one thing to check off of the life experiences list.

So anyone who has been trying to reach me may have noticed I have been unresponsive. No, I am not playing hard to get. Silly smart phone thought it could swim.
There isn't an app for that?
Yes..its called "Insurance"..sigh